I just don't get it

Ok, so weigh day was last Thursday... and it was a bad result noticeable by the absence of any post.

I don't understand it. I was SO good all week, and yet when I jumped on the Wii to weigh in I had put on 1kg / 2lbs!

I was talking to my Aunty about it, and she said that it's probably because I am building up muscle and it weighs more than fat. I get that, I understand it... but I can't even put it down to that.

I've not been exercising!

Shame on me for that... but honestly, when I've cut out potatoes, rice, pasta, juice, coke and even last week chocolate - how do you put ON weight?

ARGH!

It makes me so frustrated!  Why do I even bother?!?!

I went away for the weekend to see my boyfriend this weekend... disappointed in myself, I ate Burger King twice and had three cans of coke.  I regret it now and that's certainly not going to help me get a better result this week.  So why did I do it?

I really need to learn to not get so disheartened and slip backwards but use it to motivate me to try harder.

I'd like to say that I will get up early in the morning and go for a big long walk before work... but let's be honest. I probably won't.

Well, so long 1.5kgs

As I blogged about on Thursday, I had put on 1.5kgs during the last week.  I had been naughty, sure... but I was still confused as to how I could have put on SO much weight in just seven days when the majority of the things I put into my mouth were good.

Puzzled.  Anyway, I had abstained from any kind of chocolate and sugar (aside from the sugar in my tea) since Tuesday and this arvo, I just decided what the heck.  I am going to jump back on those scales and have an impromptu weigh-in.

I don't ever do in-between-weigh-ins, but I was still puzzled and curious if my increase in water intake (I've been drinking 2 litres a day for the last three days), lentil curry and pea soup had had any impact.

And it had!

I was down 1.5kgs back to 120kgs.  So, the weight I had put on in seven days has disappeared in just two days.

I wouldn't say I'm any less puzzled... but I'm certainly less depressed!

Now, I'm hoping to do another 1.5kgs by Thursday.  I know that's probably unrealistic and I should only be striving to lose between 0.5 and 1kgs per week... but I feel like I have time to make up for!

From my graph below, you can see with Thursday's weigh in I am already behind schedule!  I don't want that pink line creeping above the yellow line too often.  I must keep on track.

(the graph doesn't show today's loss of 1.5kg which I'll add in to this coming Thursday's weigh in)

Graph showing weight loss progress in the last eight weeks

The graph goes from 125kgs to 105kgs as that represents the HALF WAY point! Holy fucking god, there's still another 20kgs from that point to get to 85kgs.  That would still mean I was overweight with a BMI of 28.7... but I don't care about being overweight.  I care about getting my operation once my BMI is under 30.

Trying out new foods - split pea soup

I talked about having split pea soup at a friends house and being pleasantly surprised.  So, I hunted down a recipe that I thought looked and sounded like the one I had and set to making it.  It was dead easily and really really yummy.  The recipe says to blend half of the soup once its made to given a more even consistency but still have the texture with the half not blended, but I didn't do that.  Also, I soaked my peas in water overnight and boiled for about 90 minutes rather than the 20/30 mins called for in the recipe, so perhaps mine broke down more.

I did follow the suggestion of serving with a little bit of paprika and a drizzle of olive oil which was a great touch.  Although just cause I'm trying to lose weight I will go for the paprika and not the olive oil on my next bowl... which will be in about half an hour!

I think mine looks quite a lot thicker than the recipe version, but I don't mind that.  I must admit though, it did take me about half the bowl to get over the fact that I was spooning green mush into my mouth!  Silly, I know.  I ate this with a toasted gluten free pitta which was a nice addition.

So, here's a picture of my soup.  Not quite as attractive and rustic looking at the one over at 101 Cookbooks but I'm sure it tasted just as good :)

Split green pea soup with paprika and a drizzle of olive oil

It's weigh day - No.7

I am really hating myself right now.  I've had a mixed week, I've been good with all my main meals (weekend excluded), but I have had far too much chocolate.  I'm finding that hard to let go if I'm honest.

But, I wasn't entirely sure that I had been bad enough to have seen what I saw this morning.

GAIN - 1.5KG

Shit.

Bollocks.

Fuck.

I'm really upset with myself.  Why can't I get my fat arse out and walking of a morning?  Why can't I resist the urge to buy a piece of chocolate when I go into a shop?

So, that means in almost 8 weeks, I have lost a grand freaking total of just 3.3kgs.  That's nothing, less than 500 grams a week.

This week, I really must be more dedicated.  I want to lose 3kgs next week to make up for it.

I really really really am hating myself right now.

But, then why am I so surprised?  Did I really think that a couple of lentil curries and salads would make up for the junk I ate at the weekend or the chocolates I ate during the week?  I guess I had kind of deluded myself into thinking that.  I used to not think at all about what I ate, and have maintained the weight I am now for the best part of a decade I guess.  So, I figured given that I have changed sooooo much, I would still lose.  Naive.  Stupid.  Fucked up.

Urgh.

Red lentil curry with spinach and coriander

I definitely struggle with eating a range of different meals, and tend to eat the same meal over and over again.

About six months ago, I was at a friends house for lunch and they served up split pea soup which I was incredibly skeptical about at first but it totally won me over.  I remembered it the other day when I was going through the supermarket thinking I needed to diversify my diet.  I went to the legume section, couldn't find split green peas anywhere but found red lentils.

Not quite sure what prompted me to buy them, given I've never even eaten them before!  But, buy them I did and then I set about looking for a recipe, and I found one for a red lentil curry that looked really good.  I made it last night, it was sooooo easy! I modified it slightly, but also adding 25g of tomato paste and when it was cooked just before serving I added some chopped up baby spinach and some fresh coriander.  I also used about triple the amount of garlic and ginger... cause I'm trying to ward off vampires and a cold right now.  The former is true, the latter is not :)

The recipe recommended eating with basmati rice, which I normally would have done but I am trying to avoid rice at the moment.  Instead, I found some gluten free pita bread and toasted that to scoop it up and eat with.

It was soooooooooooooooo good!  Seriously recommended.  Not sure of the fat, carb or calorie count but the recipe on the site said one serving is less than 200g with 2.6g of fat.  I added extra ingredients, but either way it's still a really low calorie, low fat meal.

Umm... I'm not sure why I'm even talking about calories.  I hate calorie counting!  In fact, I don't do it at all.  Just the other day I was completing a survey in a hospital on the nutrition and calorie content of different types of food.  As an example, a salad with a tablespoon of olive oil.  I had no idea, I guessed around 400 calories. Urgh.

I also have no intention of becoming better at counting calories to lose weight. I don't really subscribe to the idea that you have to be so rigid and severe when it comes to losing weight.  I think (and I may be totally wrong), but so long as you are eating as naturally as can be (i.e. minimising the amount of processed, and pre-prepared meals) and avoiding as much as possible foods that don't work for your body then you can't really go that wrong.  As an example, I really think my body can't handle refined sugars and wheat very well, particularly with my PCOS.  So, I am avoiding those foods as much as I can right now.

In fact, I saw a gastroenterologist (hence the reference to a hospital visit) the other day, and we are doing some investigations into my gut and digestive system because ever since my hospital visits last year I am having some problems.  He suspects it may be IBS, and hopefully it's nothing more serious than that.  But I have a suspicion I may actually be gluten intolerant as well.  Ho hum, sounds like fun.

Anyway, I will come back soon and blog about that lovely hospital visit and the charming people skills of my specialist.  His fat acceptance levels were off the chart..... and not in a good way!

Here's a picture of my red lentil curry.  Yum Yum.

Red lentil curry with gluten free pita bread

The recipe made quite a bit, at least three decent sized meals worth.  So, that's what I had for dinner last night and lunch today.  I'll have it again for lunch tomorrow.

Baddddddd weekend

1 x chicken tikka masala with rice
1 x naan bread
1 x can of Coke
1 x glass of champagne
3 x pieces of chocolate cake with cream
6 x glasses of wine
1.5 x white bread chicken stuffing sandwiches
10 x chicken nuggets with sweet chilli sauce
3 x cheeseburgers
1 x small Mc'Ds fries
2 x large cokes
2 x caramel kit-kat's
6 x ferrero rocher

BAD weekend for food... but GREAT weekend for living!

Now, to undo the damage and get my arse up nice and early each day this week for a walk to burn off all those calories!!

Cup of tea

I just wanted to write a little bit about a good old cup of tea.  I'm a big fan.  I love my tea, so long as it's made to my specific requirements...

Between my family and friends, my Tea drinking is almost legendary.  Not that I drink a lot you understand, just how I like it made.  Some days I wont even have a cup.  Other days I'll have one or maybe three.

But, I like my tea very milky with two sugars.  And not skim milk either, I refuse to buy skim milk.  I will drink a tea if it's not at those requirements if I'm at someone's house and I don't want to be impolite... but I won't enjoy it.

Here's how I like my tea:

When you are trying to lose weight, people always have suggestions for you.

"Why not just try it with skim milk? You won't be able to taste the difference."
Well, actually I can taste the difference, and it just doesn't taste as good frankly.

"What about using less milk then? Having that much milk anyway, you can't even taste the tea."
I've tried this too.  And sometimes I do drink tea this way when visiting someone and don't want to be impolite... and, I don't enjoy it as much.  I can taste the tea, and I like tea to be milky.

"Why not have it without sugar, or even just one sugar?  You'll get used to it quickly."
Well, actually I have spent big chunks of my life drinking tea without sugar or even less sugar and I just don't enjoy it as much.

"Well, why not use sugar replacements?"
Hmm.. thanks for your suggestion.  I've done this too.  And, as per the points above, it just doesn't taste as good.  Thanks though.

My boyfriend likes to joke whether I want a bit of tea with my milk.  Ha ha ha, darling.

I like my tea how I like my tea.  And until I stop liking it, or until I decide to drink it another way because my weight loss has plateaued then I will continue to drink it how I like it.

It's my little bit of normality... a bit of indulgence.  I've given up coke, and chocolate (most of the time!), and bread, and pasta and potatoes... all things I love.  Probably even more than a cup of tea.

So excuse me, I'm off to put the kettle on.

Psyching myself up to jump on the scales

So, today was weigh day and I jumped onto the Wii Fit... preparing for a bad result.

I've not been good 100% of the time, and probably not even 80%.  I've had bread, pasta, cheese and far too much chocolate.  But most of the time I have been sticking to avoiding the foods I know I should avoid.  I have managed to stay clear of Coke (a major addiction for many years), and when I did indulge in a can a few weeks ago I was really gutted surprised to find that I didn't actually enjoy it.  I've not been drinking juice either.

Although, having said that I know I've not been drinking enough water and for some reason just the thought of drinking a plain glass of water was turning me off ??  So, I did get some Ribena syrup and have been making myself drink more water by adding some sugar flavour to it.

I was thinking... maybe it was a way of self-sabotage?  Because I had put on 2lbs the week before last, I kind of just lost the will to keep going, which made me so nervous to jump on the scales last week that I just avoided it altogether.  In between times, I ate even whole blocks of chocolate to myself, bowls of pasta and toasted cheese sandwiches.  Not all the time, mind you. But far too often that I should have.

I had a bit of a talk to myself one night, and just reminded myself why I am putting myself through this.  To have a baby.  But it's also become more than that too... my back is getting bad, and my knee joints are hurting.  I'm not even 30 yet.

So, I made better decisions more and more often and went for a few walks.

And although I knew I must have limited my 'damage' by this weigh in, I wasn't expecting such a good result.  Yay!

Anyway, here's day two of my snack breakfast.  Exchanged a banana for a kiwi fruit this morning.  I loveeeeeee banana, it's my favourite fruit by far.  But I'm a really fussy banana eater.  I can't stand it if they are over ripe, or even just ripe.  I prefer them slightly green... mmmmm.  Anything else, even just the smell of someone eating a ripe banana can make me flee a room.

Snack breakfast

I also added some freshly cut up coconut today, which was really nice.

It's weigh day - No.6

Was 122.0 kgs and am now 120.4 kgs so have lost 1.6kgs

(that said, I didn't weigh in week 5, so that's 1.6kgs since week 4)

I'm also thinking of giving up weighing on the Wii Fit cause I find it incredibly frustrating to not get such accurate results.  I like to measure in kgs, that's how I have always done it.  The Wii gives you results on the first page with your BMI, then in kgs, and then tells you how much you lost in lbs, and then if you view your chart it shows you your losses in stones. 

And, I find they never quite equal up.

As an example, last time I weighed the kg amount shown on the Wii was 122kgs.  This time it was 120.4 kgs which means I lost 1.6kgs, but the Wii says I lost 4lbs since last time, which is actually 1.8kgs.  I know we are talking about a difference of just 200grams, but when you are desperate for every single loss, that 200g is a lot.

The Breakfast Club

The Breakfast Club, it's a great movie if you haven't seen it.

But on a serious note, breakfast for me is something I struggle with the most I think... well, aside from getting up and going for a walk before work... well, and drinking enough water.

The biggest problem I have with breakfast, is that I just don't feel hungry nor feel like eating first thing in the morning.  If I make myself have breakfast, or wake up feeling like it then my default breakfast would be toast which I don't eat anymore.  I can't have scrambled eggs every morning. 

I was having Ready Brek made with milk, a teaspoon of cinnamon (it's reportedly good for maintaining blood sugar levels with PCOS women) and a drizzle of honey on the top microwaved for four minutes.  But it's a filling meal and it takes me about half an hour to eat.  I don't have that sort of time.

So, I decided yesterday that I would opt for more of a snacky type situation for breakfast.  So, this is what I am having today... and I am just going to sit it on my desk at work and nibble when I'm hungry.

the breakfast club struggle

So, I'm having a small handful of nuts, some strawberries and a banana.

Food snapshot; yesterday and today

I didn't weigh in yesterday as I said I would Sunday night.  I already have my graph and weekly targets set for Thursdays, so it's best just to stick to that and suck it up.

Anyway, I did do something I said I would. Yay me.  I took some pictures of what I'm eating.

So, for lunch yesterday I had leftover chicken that was roasted in the oven with sweet potato, onion, garlic cloves and cherry tomatoes.  I also steamed some green veg and a few carrots to go alongside it.

Lunch yesterday

For lunch today I had a warm chicken and pumpkin salad.  I just roasted a couple of slices of butternut pumpkin (or squash as they call it in the UK) with some pan fried chicken thigh fillets, lettuce mix, red onion and beetroot.  I also splashed on a little of my fave salad dressing which I make myself (honey, white balsamic vinegar and extra virgin olive oil).  'Twas yummy.

Lunch today

As you can see from both pictures, I love pepper :)

Not sure what I will have for dinner tonight. I should try and be organised and cut up some veg again, but I might just have what I had for lunch.  It was quick and easy to make once the pumpkin and chicken were cooked, which was made even quicker as I left the peel on the pumpkin. Some people don't like that, but the extra texture is cool with me.

I did go for a 30 minute walk yesterday, but I need to make that a regular occurrence and also for longer periods of time.  I have been super tired lately (not sure what's wrong with me, I slept for more than 10 hours last night and I am still tired!), but one of these days when I get up at 7am to turn off my alarm I will actually stay up, put my sneakers on, my headphones in and head out the door for an hours walk.

Body shots and graph - week 5.5

OK, so I decided to document my weight loss with photographs as well so hopefully I can see the change in my shape etc.  So, this is the first of what I will try and make a regular occurance... yep, I am going to give regular blogging a shot! haha

122kgs taken on 20/02/2011 at week 5.5

OK so as you can see, I'm not entirely comfortable with not being anonymous.  Maybe one day, but not too sure about that.  It's not out of embarrassment or anything, just that I don't want people I know or that know of me professionally to stumble across such a personal space!

Also, here is the graph I've decided to do to keep on track.  I've set myself a target of 0.5kgs per week, which I think is realistic and if I lose a little more than that hopefully it will mean I will still be on target when I reach plateaus.

Although I am gutted that it means I won't reach my target of a BMI of under 30 before July next year, they say that slow and steady wins the race.  And, let's face it... it's not like it went on overnight... well, actually, sometimes it did!  Effing PCOS!

I would LOVEEEE of course to reach my goal MUCH MUCH MUCH sooner than that, but by setting realistic expectations at the start I am not setting myself up for failure.  Well, that's the plan anyway.

Weight loss target as at 20/02/11 at 5.5 weeks

As you can see from that, although I put on 2lbs last week and didn't weigh this week (I have presumed I've stayed the same) I am still on track (thanks to a great loss the 1st week of 4lbs!).

I think I will make Monday's weigh day and so will weigh tomorrow.  I might even start using this blog as a food diary.

The weigh ins

So, I decided to start a new post for this as the last one was becoming a bit of a ramble.

I started my new diet lifestyle on January 13th.  Here are my weekly weigh-ins since then:

13 Jan 2011:  124.8 kgs
20 Jan 2011:  123.0 kgs
27 Jan 2011:  122.1 kgs
04 Feb 2011:  121.1 kgs
10 Feb 2011:  122.0 kgs
17 Feb 2011:  was too chicken to weigh in

And there we have it.  I lovedddd seeing the weight go down those first three weigh ins and so bummed at myself on the fourth week.  This week, I was too scared at seeing the number go up again I didn't weigh in.  I won't make that mistake again.  In fact, I might weigh in the morning when I get up, and change my weigh in days from Thursday to Monday.  Maybe.

So although I am slightly heavier now than when I started this blog a whole freakin year ago, I am going to take the positives as they come and not dwell on the past.  A month ago I was about 3kgs heavier than I am not, and that's good in anyone's book - but especially for a woman with PCOS. 

It's not as easy for us to lose weight as it is for other women... not that losing weight is easy for anyone, but its particularly difficult if you have PCOS - lucky us!  Especially as its so much easier for us to put on weight too.

Such a joyful condition to live with.

So, my next goal is to lose get my weight under 120kgs for the first time in absolutely AGES which I aim to do in the next two weigh ins!!!  And then my next goal is to lose 1 stone, which I am aiming to do on the next one after that.

Approaching the big Three Oh at rapid speed

It's like I blinked, and I'm almost 30.  It's terrifying.

Everyone that knows me knows that I have this phobia about getting older, and particularly about turning 30.  But no one really gets or accepts that what I am terrified of is not getting older, but it's getting another day older and still not living the life that I want for myself.  Another day older, is another day or declining fertility (we all know it takes a big dip at 35) and another day that makes me think it's not going to happen for me.

They think it's because of grey hairs and wrinkles.  And it is to a small extent, but its rather about what they represent.  Getting older.  Not being a mother.

Anyway, I have made some big changes in the five weeks and started seeing proper week on week results.  I cut out wheat, rice, potatoes, soft drinks, juice and sweet food.  I'm NOT going to pretend that I have been good 100% of the time, but I'd say (with the exception of this last week and a half) I've been good 90% of the time.  Except now I am struggling to get back on track.

I didn't realise the truth to the statement, when people say the key to losing weight is being organised.  It's so true.  It really seems stupid to me that I didn't understand that before.  I'm a smart woman, and that's a really basic concept to grasp... but I just didn't get it.  I really didn't.

I went out and bought loads of fresh veg, a bit of fruit and meat.  Having it all in the house and to hand meant I was eating it, not going out and spending money unnecessarily - especially on daily trips to the supermarket. I was a sucker for daily jaunts to the shop to get I something I didn't even really need and coming back with several things I certainly didn't need.  It also meant I was throwing out less food!

Another realisation, was just how much food I wasted.  I'd buy loads of good food with the best of intentions, and just get busy lazy and resort to easier food, or eat out.  I have been wasteful with food and with money.

Cooking good, healthy, nutritious food can be a laborious, time intensive task.  The washing, peeling, chopping etc.  If you have a demanding job and also other really time-sucking commitments as I do, then spending 45 minutes in the kitchen rather than 15 can seem like an eternity some nights.  But, I have learnt that if I spend a couple of hours, prepping a weeks worth of veggies, sticking it in the fridge it's just as quick to then prepare healthy meals as and when.

That makes it sound like I only ever ate out or ate fast food.  Which couldn't be further away from the truth.  I loveeeeeeeeee cooking, and I am the "cook" in my circle of friends... only too happy with whip up a fabulous cake, or four different main meals for a dinner of six people so everyone had a choice of what they wanted to eat.

Anyway, I digress.

I've been doing really well, and I actually for the first time have felt a real and serious mindset shift.  I think about food differently now.

I actually feel guilty after endulging in something that I know is not good for me.  Guilt for eating.  That's a new feeling for me.  I don't remember EVER feeling guilty for enjoying a big bit of cake with a generous helping of cream, or having some white bread toasted with butter on it.

I am conscious of what I am putting in my mouth.  It's weird, but I am enjoying the new sense of awareness.

That said, since moving house and being unfamiliar with my new environment and being far away from a supermarket I am finding it really difficult to be organised, and feel myself slipping back into old habits.  I dont want that. 

You know what?  When I was eating badly for the last week, I found myself not caring again.  I'm not going to lie, I ate chocolate in the evenings in secret (big chocolates) and only feeling partly guilty about it.  I hate that.  It was sooo easy to slip back into old 'routines', feeling well, I ate a shitty dinner so what difference is a chocolate going to make?  In hindsight, I almost think I was looking to the chocolate to comfort myself for going backwards.

Back on track this week.

So, after a week of being buried in work (and therefore not having the time or energy after knocking off to hunt down a proper supermarket), I made a proper effort this weekend to find a nearby market this weekend and stock my fridge with fruit, veg and meat.

Onwards and upwards downwards (on the scales).

I am determined that I am not going to spend my 30s how I spent my 20s.  Telling myself that I'll start tomorrow / on Monday / on the 1st.

I want to start a family desperately, and I can't even start trying to do that until I lose weight.  It's that simple.

So, rather than being terrified about turning 30 and thinking that every day is another day of declining fertility, I am going to flip that on its head.

Every day is a day closer to being able to fulfil my dreams of motherhood.

So, in summary.  This is what I am going to do:  be prepared, be focused, take it a day at a time.