Approaching the big Three Oh at rapid speed

It's like I blinked, and I'm almost 30.  It's terrifying.

Everyone that knows me knows that I have this phobia about getting older, and particularly about turning 30.  But no one really gets or accepts that what I am terrified of is not getting older, but it's getting another day older and still not living the life that I want for myself.  Another day older, is another day or declining fertility (we all know it takes a big dip at 35) and another day that makes me think it's not going to happen for me.

They think it's because of grey hairs and wrinkles.  And it is to a small extent, but its rather about what they represent.  Getting older.  Not being a mother.

Anyway, I have made some big changes in the five weeks and started seeing proper week on week results.  I cut out wheat, rice, potatoes, soft drinks, juice and sweet food.  I'm NOT going to pretend that I have been good 100% of the time, but I'd say (with the exception of this last week and a half) I've been good 90% of the time.  Except now I am struggling to get back on track.

I didn't realise the truth to the statement, when people say the key to losing weight is being organised.  It's so true.  It really seems stupid to me that I didn't understand that before.  I'm a smart woman, and that's a really basic concept to grasp... but I just didn't get it.  I really didn't.

I went out and bought loads of fresh veg, a bit of fruit and meat.  Having it all in the house and to hand meant I was eating it, not going out and spending money unnecessarily - especially on daily trips to the supermarket. I was a sucker for daily jaunts to the shop to get I something I didn't even really need and coming back with several things I certainly didn't need.  It also meant I was throwing out less food!

Another realisation, was just how much food I wasted.  I'd buy loads of good food with the best of intentions, and just get busy lazy and resort to easier food, or eat out.  I have been wasteful with food and with money.

Cooking good, healthy, nutritious food can be a laborious, time intensive task.  The washing, peeling, chopping etc.  If you have a demanding job and also other really time-sucking commitments as I do, then spending 45 minutes in the kitchen rather than 15 can seem like an eternity some nights.  But, I have learnt that if I spend a couple of hours, prepping a weeks worth of veggies, sticking it in the fridge it's just as quick to then prepare healthy meals as and when.

That makes it sound like I only ever ate out or ate fast food.  Which couldn't be further away from the truth.  I loveeeeeeeeee cooking, and I am the "cook" in my circle of friends... only too happy with whip up a fabulous cake, or four different main meals for a dinner of six people so everyone had a choice of what they wanted to eat.

Anyway, I digress.

I've been doing really well, and I actually for the first time have felt a real and serious mindset shift.  I think about food differently now.

I actually feel guilty after endulging in something that I know is not good for me.  Guilt for eating.  That's a new feeling for me.  I don't remember EVER feeling guilty for enjoying a big bit of cake with a generous helping of cream, or having some white bread toasted with butter on it.

I am conscious of what I am putting in my mouth.  It's weird, but I am enjoying the new sense of awareness.

That said, since moving house and being unfamiliar with my new environment and being far away from a supermarket I am finding it really difficult to be organised, and feel myself slipping back into old habits.  I dont want that. 

You know what?  When I was eating badly for the last week, I found myself not caring again.  I'm not going to lie, I ate chocolate in the evenings in secret (big chocolates) and only feeling partly guilty about it.  I hate that.  It was sooo easy to slip back into old 'routines', feeling well, I ate a shitty dinner so what difference is a chocolate going to make?  In hindsight, I almost think I was looking to the chocolate to comfort myself for going backwards.

Back on track this week.

So, after a week of being buried in work (and therefore not having the time or energy after knocking off to hunt down a proper supermarket), I made a proper effort this weekend to find a nearby market this weekend and stock my fridge with fruit, veg and meat.

Onwards and upwards downwards (on the scales).

I am determined that I am not going to spend my 30s how I spent my 20s.  Telling myself that I'll start tomorrow / on Monday / on the 1st.

I want to start a family desperately, and I can't even start trying to do that until I lose weight.  It's that simple.

So, rather than being terrified about turning 30 and thinking that every day is another day of declining fertility, I am going to flip that on its head.

Every day is a day closer to being able to fulfil my dreams of motherhood.

So, in summary.  This is what I am going to do:  be prepared, be focused, take it a day at a time.