I'm not quite sure how to formulate this blog post, as it's only just become a realisation that I do this in the last 30 minutes. I am a secret eater. I didn't really realise it before now... but how could I not? Denial maybe? I don't know...
My boyfriend would sometimes come across chocolate wrappers in compartments in my handbag and make a comment about hiding eating rubbish food - and I would laugh, and brush it off. Denied it, even to myself I realise now.
It suddenly dawned on me tonight, I think because over the last four weeks it progressed to the point where it was someway on my radar what I was doing. I'd buy a chocolate or three, and then really curse myself out for doing it. Debate in my head whether I should in fact eat them now that I had bought them, and reasoned that it would be a waste of money if I didn't eat them... but this would be the last time. No more. Only to be repeated the next day.
I read an article on the Daily Mail the other day about Leona Lewis losing a few dresses sizes in a month or something, by eating only vegetables and drinking water all month - not as a weight loss tool, but as a bit of a detox. A detox I thought. I can do that.
So I resolved for March I would only eat vegetables and drink water all month. As March approached, I figured it would be too hard to cut things like rice, meat and such out of my diet as well as anything liquid other than H2O ... so I would instead I would cut out all refined sugars and white flour foods for March and keep with the only drinking water. That I could do. I would allow myself a few days off during the month for certain occasions, but no more than five. I did EXTREMELY well for the first four days of the month, I even went to the gym and did a HUGE workout. I was feeling really pleased with myself. Really, really chuffed. I'm finally battling demons.
Then I found myself this weekend binge eating like a freak. Consumed chocolate en masse and Coke like I'm dying of dehydration. I don't know why I allow myself to do it? It's like I go outside of myself when making these bad decisions, like I am not consciously a part of the decision making process until it's too late.
Not that I've ever really lost enough weight for it to be an issue for me personally, but I've read a lot of people close to someone who is losing weight unconsciously trying to sabotage them for one reason or another. But what do you do if you sabotage yourself? How can I stop this destructive behaviour?
I wonder if I shouldn't see a counsellor or a hypnotherapist or something. I do wonder if I do this because I am too scared of losing weight and still not being able to have a baby. At the moment, I can blame not having a baby on my weight. But what if i get my BMI to under 30 and still can't have my own baby? I think that that scenario will almost be too unbearable for my heart to take. I think I would wish myself dead.
But if I don't lose the weight, then I can't have a baby anyway and that is equally as tragic but somehow in my head I've reasoned that to be a better loss than actually going through the heartache of actively TTC each month and still not getting a positive result. Right now, I go month by month knowing there's no point trying because it won't happen for me.
I want more than anything in the world to be a mother. It's all I have ever dreamt of and wanted my whole life. I remember being three years old and mothering my cabbage patch dolls, just dreaming about when I would be a real mum. So, given that it's something I want so desperately, why can't I get out of my own way to give myself the best chance?
Advice please!!!
