I just don't get it

Ok, so weigh day was last Thursday... and it was a bad result noticeable by the absence of any post.

I don't understand it. I was SO good all week, and yet when I jumped on the Wii to weigh in I had put on 1kg / 2lbs!

I was talking to my Aunty about it, and she said that it's probably because I am building up muscle and it weighs more than fat. I get that, I understand it... but I can't even put it down to that.

I've not been exercising!

Shame on me for that... but honestly, when I've cut out potatoes, rice, pasta, juice, coke and even last week chocolate - how do you put ON weight?

ARGH!

It makes me so frustrated!  Why do I even bother?!?!

I went away for the weekend to see my boyfriend this weekend... disappointed in myself, I ate Burger King twice and had three cans of coke.  I regret it now and that's certainly not going to help me get a better result this week.  So why did I do it?

I really need to learn to not get so disheartened and slip backwards but use it to motivate me to try harder.

I'd like to say that I will get up early in the morning and go for a big long walk before work... but let's be honest. I probably won't.

Well, so long 1.5kgs

As I blogged about on Thursday, I had put on 1.5kgs during the last week.  I had been naughty, sure... but I was still confused as to how I could have put on SO much weight in just seven days when the majority of the things I put into my mouth were good.

Puzzled.  Anyway, I had abstained from any kind of chocolate and sugar (aside from the sugar in my tea) since Tuesday and this arvo, I just decided what the heck.  I am going to jump back on those scales and have an impromptu weigh-in.

I don't ever do in-between-weigh-ins, but I was still puzzled and curious if my increase in water intake (I've been drinking 2 litres a day for the last three days), lentil curry and pea soup had had any impact.

And it had!

I was down 1.5kgs back to 120kgs.  So, the weight I had put on in seven days has disappeared in just two days.

I wouldn't say I'm any less puzzled... but I'm certainly less depressed!

Now, I'm hoping to do another 1.5kgs by Thursday.  I know that's probably unrealistic and I should only be striving to lose between 0.5 and 1kgs per week... but I feel like I have time to make up for!

From my graph below, you can see with Thursday's weigh in I am already behind schedule!  I don't want that pink line creeping above the yellow line too often.  I must keep on track.

(the graph doesn't show today's loss of 1.5kg which I'll add in to this coming Thursday's weigh in)

Graph showing weight loss progress in the last eight weeks

The graph goes from 125kgs to 105kgs as that represents the HALF WAY point! Holy fucking god, there's still another 20kgs from that point to get to 85kgs.  That would still mean I was overweight with a BMI of 28.7... but I don't care about being overweight.  I care about getting my operation once my BMI is under 30.

Trying out new foods - split pea soup

I talked about having split pea soup at a friends house and being pleasantly surprised.  So, I hunted down a recipe that I thought looked and sounded like the one I had and set to making it.  It was dead easily and really really yummy.  The recipe says to blend half of the soup once its made to given a more even consistency but still have the texture with the half not blended, but I didn't do that.  Also, I soaked my peas in water overnight and boiled for about 90 minutes rather than the 20/30 mins called for in the recipe, so perhaps mine broke down more.

I did follow the suggestion of serving with a little bit of paprika and a drizzle of olive oil which was a great touch.  Although just cause I'm trying to lose weight I will go for the paprika and not the olive oil on my next bowl... which will be in about half an hour!

I think mine looks quite a lot thicker than the recipe version, but I don't mind that.  I must admit though, it did take me about half the bowl to get over the fact that I was spooning green mush into my mouth!  Silly, I know.  I ate this with a toasted gluten free pitta which was a nice addition.

So, here's a picture of my soup.  Not quite as attractive and rustic looking at the one over at 101 Cookbooks but I'm sure it tasted just as good :)

Split green pea soup with paprika and a drizzle of olive oil

It's weigh day - No.7

I am really hating myself right now.  I've had a mixed week, I've been good with all my main meals (weekend excluded), but I have had far too much chocolate.  I'm finding that hard to let go if I'm honest.

But, I wasn't entirely sure that I had been bad enough to have seen what I saw this morning.

GAIN - 1.5KG

Shit.

Bollocks.

Fuck.

I'm really upset with myself.  Why can't I get my fat arse out and walking of a morning?  Why can't I resist the urge to buy a piece of chocolate when I go into a shop?

So, that means in almost 8 weeks, I have lost a grand freaking total of just 3.3kgs.  That's nothing, less than 500 grams a week.

This week, I really must be more dedicated.  I want to lose 3kgs next week to make up for it.

I really really really am hating myself right now.

But, then why am I so surprised?  Did I really think that a couple of lentil curries and salads would make up for the junk I ate at the weekend or the chocolates I ate during the week?  I guess I had kind of deluded myself into thinking that.  I used to not think at all about what I ate, and have maintained the weight I am now for the best part of a decade I guess.  So, I figured given that I have changed sooooo much, I would still lose.  Naive.  Stupid.  Fucked up.

Urgh.

Red lentil curry with spinach and coriander

I definitely struggle with eating a range of different meals, and tend to eat the same meal over and over again.

About six months ago, I was at a friends house for lunch and they served up split pea soup which I was incredibly skeptical about at first but it totally won me over.  I remembered it the other day when I was going through the supermarket thinking I needed to diversify my diet.  I went to the legume section, couldn't find split green peas anywhere but found red lentils.

Not quite sure what prompted me to buy them, given I've never even eaten them before!  But, buy them I did and then I set about looking for a recipe, and I found one for a red lentil curry that looked really good.  I made it last night, it was sooooo easy! I modified it slightly, but also adding 25g of tomato paste and when it was cooked just before serving I added some chopped up baby spinach and some fresh coriander.  I also used about triple the amount of garlic and ginger... cause I'm trying to ward off vampires and a cold right now.  The former is true, the latter is not :)

The recipe recommended eating with basmati rice, which I normally would have done but I am trying to avoid rice at the moment.  Instead, I found some gluten free pita bread and toasted that to scoop it up and eat with.

It was soooooooooooooooo good!  Seriously recommended.  Not sure of the fat, carb or calorie count but the recipe on the site said one serving is less than 200g with 2.6g of fat.  I added extra ingredients, but either way it's still a really low calorie, low fat meal.

Umm... I'm not sure why I'm even talking about calories.  I hate calorie counting!  In fact, I don't do it at all.  Just the other day I was completing a survey in a hospital on the nutrition and calorie content of different types of food.  As an example, a salad with a tablespoon of olive oil.  I had no idea, I guessed around 400 calories. Urgh.

I also have no intention of becoming better at counting calories to lose weight. I don't really subscribe to the idea that you have to be so rigid and severe when it comes to losing weight.  I think (and I may be totally wrong), but so long as you are eating as naturally as can be (i.e. minimising the amount of processed, and pre-prepared meals) and avoiding as much as possible foods that don't work for your body then you can't really go that wrong.  As an example, I really think my body can't handle refined sugars and wheat very well, particularly with my PCOS.  So, I am avoiding those foods as much as I can right now.

In fact, I saw a gastroenterologist (hence the reference to a hospital visit) the other day, and we are doing some investigations into my gut and digestive system because ever since my hospital visits last year I am having some problems.  He suspects it may be IBS, and hopefully it's nothing more serious than that.  But I have a suspicion I may actually be gluten intolerant as well.  Ho hum, sounds like fun.

Anyway, I will come back soon and blog about that lovely hospital visit and the charming people skills of my specialist.  His fat acceptance levels were off the chart..... and not in a good way!

Here's a picture of my red lentil curry.  Yum Yum.

Red lentil curry with gluten free pita bread

The recipe made quite a bit, at least three decent sized meals worth.  So, that's what I had for dinner last night and lunch today.  I'll have it again for lunch tomorrow.

Baddddddd weekend

1 x chicken tikka masala with rice
1 x naan bread
1 x can of Coke
1 x glass of champagne
3 x pieces of chocolate cake with cream
6 x glasses of wine
1.5 x white bread chicken stuffing sandwiches
10 x chicken nuggets with sweet chilli sauce
3 x cheeseburgers
1 x small Mc'Ds fries
2 x large cokes
2 x caramel kit-kat's
6 x ferrero rocher

BAD weekend for food... but GREAT weekend for living!

Now, to undo the damage and get my arse up nice and early each day this week for a walk to burn off all those calories!!

Cup of tea

I just wanted to write a little bit about a good old cup of tea.  I'm a big fan.  I love my tea, so long as it's made to my specific requirements...

Between my family and friends, my Tea drinking is almost legendary.  Not that I drink a lot you understand, just how I like it made.  Some days I wont even have a cup.  Other days I'll have one or maybe three.

But, I like my tea very milky with two sugars.  And not skim milk either, I refuse to buy skim milk.  I will drink a tea if it's not at those requirements if I'm at someone's house and I don't want to be impolite... but I won't enjoy it.

Here's how I like my tea:

When you are trying to lose weight, people always have suggestions for you.

"Why not just try it with skim milk? You won't be able to taste the difference."
Well, actually I can taste the difference, and it just doesn't taste as good frankly.

"What about using less milk then? Having that much milk anyway, you can't even taste the tea."
I've tried this too.  And sometimes I do drink tea this way when visiting someone and don't want to be impolite... and, I don't enjoy it as much.  I can taste the tea, and I like tea to be milky.

"Why not have it without sugar, or even just one sugar?  You'll get used to it quickly."
Well, actually I have spent big chunks of my life drinking tea without sugar or even less sugar and I just don't enjoy it as much.

"Well, why not use sugar replacements?"
Hmm.. thanks for your suggestion.  I've done this too.  And, as per the points above, it just doesn't taste as good.  Thanks though.

My boyfriend likes to joke whether I want a bit of tea with my milk.  Ha ha ha, darling.

I like my tea how I like my tea.  And until I stop liking it, or until I decide to drink it another way because my weight loss has plateaued then I will continue to drink it how I like it.

It's my little bit of normality... a bit of indulgence.  I've given up coke, and chocolate (most of the time!), and bread, and pasta and potatoes... all things I love.  Probably even more than a cup of tea.

So excuse me, I'm off to put the kettle on.

Psyching myself up to jump on the scales

So, today was weigh day and I jumped onto the Wii Fit... preparing for a bad result.

I've not been good 100% of the time, and probably not even 80%.  I've had bread, pasta, cheese and far too much chocolate.  But most of the time I have been sticking to avoiding the foods I know I should avoid.  I have managed to stay clear of Coke (a major addiction for many years), and when I did indulge in a can a few weeks ago I was really gutted surprised to find that I didn't actually enjoy it.  I've not been drinking juice either.

Although, having said that I know I've not been drinking enough water and for some reason just the thought of drinking a plain glass of water was turning me off ??  So, I did get some Ribena syrup and have been making myself drink more water by adding some sugar flavour to it.

I was thinking... maybe it was a way of self-sabotage?  Because I had put on 2lbs the week before last, I kind of just lost the will to keep going, which made me so nervous to jump on the scales last week that I just avoided it altogether.  In between times, I ate even whole blocks of chocolate to myself, bowls of pasta and toasted cheese sandwiches.  Not all the time, mind you. But far too often that I should have.

I had a bit of a talk to myself one night, and just reminded myself why I am putting myself through this.  To have a baby.  But it's also become more than that too... my back is getting bad, and my knee joints are hurting.  I'm not even 30 yet.

So, I made better decisions more and more often and went for a few walks.

And although I knew I must have limited my 'damage' by this weigh in, I wasn't expecting such a good result.  Yay!

Anyway, here's day two of my snack breakfast.  Exchanged a banana for a kiwi fruit this morning.  I loveeeeeee banana, it's my favourite fruit by far.  But I'm a really fussy banana eater.  I can't stand it if they are over ripe, or even just ripe.  I prefer them slightly green... mmmmm.  Anything else, even just the smell of someone eating a ripe banana can make me flee a room.

Snack breakfast

I also added some freshly cut up coconut today, which was really nice.

It's weigh day - No.6

Was 122.0 kgs and am now 120.4 kgs so have lost 1.6kgs

(that said, I didn't weigh in week 5, so that's 1.6kgs since week 4)

I'm also thinking of giving up weighing on the Wii Fit cause I find it incredibly frustrating to not get such accurate results.  I like to measure in kgs, that's how I have always done it.  The Wii gives you results on the first page with your BMI, then in kgs, and then tells you how much you lost in lbs, and then if you view your chart it shows you your losses in stones. 

And, I find they never quite equal up.

As an example, last time I weighed the kg amount shown on the Wii was 122kgs.  This time it was 120.4 kgs which means I lost 1.6kgs, but the Wii says I lost 4lbs since last time, which is actually 1.8kgs.  I know we are talking about a difference of just 200grams, but when you are desperate for every single loss, that 200g is a lot.

The Breakfast Club

The Breakfast Club, it's a great movie if you haven't seen it.

But on a serious note, breakfast for me is something I struggle with the most I think... well, aside from getting up and going for a walk before work... well, and drinking enough water.

The biggest problem I have with breakfast, is that I just don't feel hungry nor feel like eating first thing in the morning.  If I make myself have breakfast, or wake up feeling like it then my default breakfast would be toast which I don't eat anymore.  I can't have scrambled eggs every morning. 

I was having Ready Brek made with milk, a teaspoon of cinnamon (it's reportedly good for maintaining blood sugar levels with PCOS women) and a drizzle of honey on the top microwaved for four minutes.  But it's a filling meal and it takes me about half an hour to eat.  I don't have that sort of time.

So, I decided yesterday that I would opt for more of a snacky type situation for breakfast.  So, this is what I am having today... and I am just going to sit it on my desk at work and nibble when I'm hungry.

the breakfast club struggle

So, I'm having a small handful of nuts, some strawberries and a banana.

Food snapshot; yesterday and today

I didn't weigh in yesterday as I said I would Sunday night.  I already have my graph and weekly targets set for Thursdays, so it's best just to stick to that and suck it up.

Anyway, I did do something I said I would. Yay me.  I took some pictures of what I'm eating.

So, for lunch yesterday I had leftover chicken that was roasted in the oven with sweet potato, onion, garlic cloves and cherry tomatoes.  I also steamed some green veg and a few carrots to go alongside it.

Lunch yesterday

For lunch today I had a warm chicken and pumpkin salad.  I just roasted a couple of slices of butternut pumpkin (or squash as they call it in the UK) with some pan fried chicken thigh fillets, lettuce mix, red onion and beetroot.  I also splashed on a little of my fave salad dressing which I make myself (honey, white balsamic vinegar and extra virgin olive oil).  'Twas yummy.

Lunch today

As you can see from both pictures, I love pepper :)

Not sure what I will have for dinner tonight. I should try and be organised and cut up some veg again, but I might just have what I had for lunch.  It was quick and easy to make once the pumpkin and chicken were cooked, which was made even quicker as I left the peel on the pumpkin. Some people don't like that, but the extra texture is cool with me.

I did go for a 30 minute walk yesterday, but I need to make that a regular occurrence and also for longer periods of time.  I have been super tired lately (not sure what's wrong with me, I slept for more than 10 hours last night and I am still tired!), but one of these days when I get up at 7am to turn off my alarm I will actually stay up, put my sneakers on, my headphones in and head out the door for an hours walk.

Body shots and graph - week 5.5

OK, so I decided to document my weight loss with photographs as well so hopefully I can see the change in my shape etc.  So, this is the first of what I will try and make a regular occurance... yep, I am going to give regular blogging a shot! haha

122kgs taken on 20/02/2011 at week 5.5

OK so as you can see, I'm not entirely comfortable with not being anonymous.  Maybe one day, but not too sure about that.  It's not out of embarrassment or anything, just that I don't want people I know or that know of me professionally to stumble across such a personal space!

Also, here is the graph I've decided to do to keep on track.  I've set myself a target of 0.5kgs per week, which I think is realistic and if I lose a little more than that hopefully it will mean I will still be on target when I reach plateaus.

Although I am gutted that it means I won't reach my target of a BMI of under 30 before July next year, they say that slow and steady wins the race.  And, let's face it... it's not like it went on overnight... well, actually, sometimes it did!  Effing PCOS!

I would LOVEEEE of course to reach my goal MUCH MUCH MUCH sooner than that, but by setting realistic expectations at the start I am not setting myself up for failure.  Well, that's the plan anyway.

Weight loss target as at 20/02/11 at 5.5 weeks

As you can see from that, although I put on 2lbs last week and didn't weigh this week (I have presumed I've stayed the same) I am still on track (thanks to a great loss the 1st week of 4lbs!).

I think I will make Monday's weigh day and so will weigh tomorrow.  I might even start using this blog as a food diary.

The weigh ins

So, I decided to start a new post for this as the last one was becoming a bit of a ramble.

I started my new diet lifestyle on January 13th.  Here are my weekly weigh-ins since then:

13 Jan 2011:  124.8 kgs
20 Jan 2011:  123.0 kgs
27 Jan 2011:  122.1 kgs
04 Feb 2011:  121.1 kgs
10 Feb 2011:  122.0 kgs
17 Feb 2011:  was too chicken to weigh in

And there we have it.  I lovedddd seeing the weight go down those first three weigh ins and so bummed at myself on the fourth week.  This week, I was too scared at seeing the number go up again I didn't weigh in.  I won't make that mistake again.  In fact, I might weigh in the morning when I get up, and change my weigh in days from Thursday to Monday.  Maybe.

So although I am slightly heavier now than when I started this blog a whole freakin year ago, I am going to take the positives as they come and not dwell on the past.  A month ago I was about 3kgs heavier than I am not, and that's good in anyone's book - but especially for a woman with PCOS. 

It's not as easy for us to lose weight as it is for other women... not that losing weight is easy for anyone, but its particularly difficult if you have PCOS - lucky us!  Especially as its so much easier for us to put on weight too.

Such a joyful condition to live with.

So, my next goal is to lose get my weight under 120kgs for the first time in absolutely AGES which I aim to do in the next two weigh ins!!!  And then my next goal is to lose 1 stone, which I am aiming to do on the next one after that.

Approaching the big Three Oh at rapid speed

It's like I blinked, and I'm almost 30.  It's terrifying.

Everyone that knows me knows that I have this phobia about getting older, and particularly about turning 30.  But no one really gets or accepts that what I am terrified of is not getting older, but it's getting another day older and still not living the life that I want for myself.  Another day older, is another day or declining fertility (we all know it takes a big dip at 35) and another day that makes me think it's not going to happen for me.

They think it's because of grey hairs and wrinkles.  And it is to a small extent, but its rather about what they represent.  Getting older.  Not being a mother.

Anyway, I have made some big changes in the five weeks and started seeing proper week on week results.  I cut out wheat, rice, potatoes, soft drinks, juice and sweet food.  I'm NOT going to pretend that I have been good 100% of the time, but I'd say (with the exception of this last week and a half) I've been good 90% of the time.  Except now I am struggling to get back on track.

I didn't realise the truth to the statement, when people say the key to losing weight is being organised.  It's so true.  It really seems stupid to me that I didn't understand that before.  I'm a smart woman, and that's a really basic concept to grasp... but I just didn't get it.  I really didn't.

I went out and bought loads of fresh veg, a bit of fruit and meat.  Having it all in the house and to hand meant I was eating it, not going out and spending money unnecessarily - especially on daily trips to the supermarket. I was a sucker for daily jaunts to the shop to get I something I didn't even really need and coming back with several things I certainly didn't need.  It also meant I was throwing out less food!

Another realisation, was just how much food I wasted.  I'd buy loads of good food with the best of intentions, and just get busy lazy and resort to easier food, or eat out.  I have been wasteful with food and with money.

Cooking good, healthy, nutritious food can be a laborious, time intensive task.  The washing, peeling, chopping etc.  If you have a demanding job and also other really time-sucking commitments as I do, then spending 45 minutes in the kitchen rather than 15 can seem like an eternity some nights.  But, I have learnt that if I spend a couple of hours, prepping a weeks worth of veggies, sticking it in the fridge it's just as quick to then prepare healthy meals as and when.

That makes it sound like I only ever ate out or ate fast food.  Which couldn't be further away from the truth.  I loveeeeeeeeee cooking, and I am the "cook" in my circle of friends... only too happy with whip up a fabulous cake, or four different main meals for a dinner of six people so everyone had a choice of what they wanted to eat.

Anyway, I digress.

I've been doing really well, and I actually for the first time have felt a real and serious mindset shift.  I think about food differently now.

I actually feel guilty after endulging in something that I know is not good for me.  Guilt for eating.  That's a new feeling for me.  I don't remember EVER feeling guilty for enjoying a big bit of cake with a generous helping of cream, or having some white bread toasted with butter on it.

I am conscious of what I am putting in my mouth.  It's weird, but I am enjoying the new sense of awareness.

That said, since moving house and being unfamiliar with my new environment and being far away from a supermarket I am finding it really difficult to be organised, and feel myself slipping back into old habits.  I dont want that. 

You know what?  When I was eating badly for the last week, I found myself not caring again.  I'm not going to lie, I ate chocolate in the evenings in secret (big chocolates) and only feeling partly guilty about it.  I hate that.  It was sooo easy to slip back into old 'routines', feeling well, I ate a shitty dinner so what difference is a chocolate going to make?  In hindsight, I almost think I was looking to the chocolate to comfort myself for going backwards.

Back on track this week.

So, after a week of being buried in work (and therefore not having the time or energy after knocking off to hunt down a proper supermarket), I made a proper effort this weekend to find a nearby market this weekend and stock my fridge with fruit, veg and meat.

Onwards and upwards downwards (on the scales).

I am determined that I am not going to spend my 30s how I spent my 20s.  Telling myself that I'll start tomorrow / on Monday / on the 1st.

I want to start a family desperately, and I can't even start trying to do that until I lose weight.  It's that simple.

So, rather than being terrified about turning 30 and thinking that every day is another day of declining fertility, I am going to flip that on its head.

Every day is a day closer to being able to fulfil my dreams of motherhood.

So, in summary.  This is what I am going to do:  be prepared, be focused, take it a day at a time.

My heart is heavy today...

Strangely for me, for the last three months I have been having somewhat regular periods.  They are not the typical 28 days apart, I don't even think they are the same length apart, but I have had a period roughly every five weeks or something for the last three cycles.

I've never in my life charted my cycles, and I 'spose now is the time as every second waking thought strays to babies.

Anyway, cut to the point of the post and the reason my heart is heavy... In the last 48 hours, I kind of allowed myself to imagine that I might be pregnant.  I know it's not impossible for me to get pregnant, stranger things have happened... but to be fair, it's probably unlikely at my weight, with my PCOS and even if I did, the septate uterus would make it difficult to carry to term anyway.

But, hope is a dangerous thing.  Hope ends in heartache. Why do I allow myself to indulge?

About two weeks ago, I had ovulation pain. Some people doubt that women can feel such things, and I guess many can't.  But a lot of the time (when my body does actually do what it's meant to do), when I do ovulate I can feel which ovary I am ovulating from.  I get a dull aching pain and the odd crampy feeling on either my left or right side.  Two weeks ago, it was the right ovary.

One week ago, I started having period pains (thankfully, I am not one of those women that get severe cramps), back ache and really sore boobs.  Typical signs (for me) that my period is on its way in a couple of days.  Well, a couple of days turned into a week, and still not even a spot.

It suddenly occurred to me, that OH-MY-GOD maybe there was a possibility that it wasn't going to come? And those symptoms might mean something infinitely better?  A baby?  Enter Hope.

Hope has been given a leg up by the fact for the last week (even before I even thought it might be a possibility) by the fact that I have been having very, very, very vivid dreams about being pregnant and then nursing my baby and walking along the street with them as they grew a bit older.  The dreams felt so real. SO REAL.  I can still picture every single one of my children from each of the dreams.  I can see what they looked like, I can see their little cheeks, remember what features came from me and which from their father.  They weren't the kind of surreal, wacky, non-sensical dreams that are more familiar to me... you know the type of dreams I mean, the type that follow no rhyme nor reason.

These dreams were real. The children, my children, were real.  And after waking up from each one in the morning I felt empty.  Broken.  Sad.  I missed them.  These children that don't actually exist that I dreamt up, I missed them terribly and my heart ached to have them back.

So, then two days ago it was like a light bulb moment.  Could I be pregnant? 

Turns out No... I can't.  I just started spotting half an hour ago.

In my head, I think well it's for the best.  I need to lose weight first and I need to have the septum removed from my uterus to give me the best chance of carrying a baby to term.  I just have to turn this grief - and that is literally how I feel - into motivation.

My heart hurts, and I am only a stray thought away from tears.  Must go and keep myself busy, not give myself anytime to think about what was never going to be.

Will go for a walk after dinner tonight.  Motivation.

How am I here again... or shall I say, still here?

After quite a rough few months in and out of hospital, I find myself trying to get back on the bloody weight loss train again.

My weight had gone up to 126.5kgs and after a few weeks of really trying hard I am down to 121.9 - so a loss of 4.6kgs in three weeks which I was really chuffed about.  That was, until I decided to look back at my blog and see that when I first started writing this I was 121.3kgs.  So, I'm back to where I started.  Or, rather after almost a year (!!!), I am still here.  Still fat, still needing to lose about 35kgs to get my operation so I can start having a family... and approaching 30 at a rapid speed.

Fuck. Shit. Bollocks.

Need to pull my head out of my arse.

OK, so my first mini-goal is to get my weight to under (!) 120kgs... so 119.5kgs here I come. I hope to be able to achieve that in the next two weeks.  I really must get better at updating this blog too, because it truly does help to be putting thoughts down.

Anyhoo... time for lunch.  Chicken stir-fry here I come!

Back in hospital

This post is backdated from August, I didn't realise I hadn't saved it

I didn't think I would end up back in here again... Well, certainly not until I was in to have the hysteroscopy done!

The doctors don't seem to know what is wrong with me... They had suspected gall stones, but I needed the ultrasound to confirm. The ultrasound was due for this Thursday. I've been having the same pain a number of times since I was last in hospital, but the feedback has been to just wait for the ultrasound. Yesterday I had the pain in the wee hours of the morning (normally comes at night), and after I had thrown up (which normally relieves it), it changed into a burning in my stomach.

At around 11am on Monday I threw up again, it was just bile (there was nothing in my stomach)... And then threw up bile again every 20 minutes for the next two hours. I rang my GP and she prescribed some medicine but said she wasn't worried, and let's see what happens after the ultrasound. I was feeling way too sick to get up and drive to the clinic to pick up the medicine and then go to Tescos to have the script filled. I waited an hour and just felt like I was deteriorating fast... feeling feverish and couldn't find the strength to even keep my eyes open.

I asked my sister to drive me to the hospital. We had to stop along the way so I could throw up, and then I threw up again as we were driving (lucky I bought a bucket with me!). My poor sister!! I had to wait for about an hour before I got to see the A&E nurse, and then he just sent me over to see the Primary Care Trust GP, where I had to wait for about 40 minutes.

He was the most useless GP I have ever encountered. He sent me back over to A&E to have bloods done, and they also gave me an injection in my thigh to stop the nausea... Which didn't work (and I now have a massive bruise where it was injected). They then sent me back to the GP, where I had to sit and wait for another half an hour. Then I was seen by another doctor who took some vitals and then sent me back into the waiting room to wait to see the GP and get my blood results.

Anyway.. I could go on and on and on and on about the incompetence and the messing me about, but at the end of it I was admitted for three days while they tried to work out what was going on. They ruled out gall stones, and as they were trying to send me home and telling me to just take paracetamol every few hours I demanded to see my file.  A specialist then came up to see me and sat down with me to go through my file and then went away to talk to their consultant.  Turns out they think I had either a stomach ulcer or an infection of the stomach lining.  I was given six weeks of meds to take and sent home the next day.

Let's see how we go!

First taste of hospital food

URGH. So gross.

I can now say, having had the experience of both, airplane food shits all over hospital food.

I took myself to A&E the other night with really bad stomach pain and was admitted in the wee hours of the morning.  Although the stomach pain and nausea disappeared after about five hours, I was admitted for two days.  They suspected gall stones but blood tests showed something not right going on with my liver.  Although I'm home now, I have to go for an ultrasound in the next week or so and get some more blood tests.  Not sure what is wrong with me, although I feel normal but more tired than usual.

It was a bit of a levelling experience actually. I've never been in hospital before.. well, other than visiting other people.  It was not nice.  Scary.  Boring.  Frustrating.  I know I keep saying it, but I have to be more disciplined with the diet and exercise!  I am hopingggggggg nothing serious is going on, but I have to give myself the best chance of being fit and well...

I desperately want children... and WHEN I finally get my family, I don't want to be a sick and unfit mother who can't get out and run around and be silly with her children.

Right.  Although I said last time I was going to weigh in, I didn't...

I'm off to the Wii Fit.

Baby talk

Another hiatus.  Which means more months down the drain where I haven't actually done anything super pro-active about getting my weight down.

But, I am much more motivated than ever now because the BF and I had the discussion about our future etc and have decided that we will start to seriously try for a baby next year.  He said was ready right now, but we both know... well, I know... that there is no point actively trying now before I have my operation.

That said, we are not using any birth control now and I feel like we're moving in the right direction.

I turn 30 in the first part of next year, and I seriously don't want to be still having this same discussion with myself then ("Come on, you have to get serious. You can do this. Let's start for real tomorrow").  So, I've set myself some absolute deadlines.

By the 1st of December, I want to have lost at least 18kgs and then I can ring up my GP and get him to schedule the specialist appointment for me again.  I can then tell the specialist that I have lost half of what I need to lose, and can we schedule the operation.

Given that we are working with the NHS, I figured by the time that I get to have this appointment with the specialist and by the time he schedules the operation, it will be around March next year and by then (1st of April) I will have lost the remaining 18kgs.

So, I need to lose the first 18kgs in 5 months and the second 18kgs in 4 months.

Perhaps the first 18kgs will come off much quicker than the second lot, in which case I will just move the schedule around.  OMG imagine if I could do it even quicker than that!!  There's 24 weeks left til the start of December, so losing 18kgs seems entirely possible, right?? That's less than 1kg per week.  I can do that.

Basically, as soon as I get the first 18kgs off I am making that call.

Also, my sister is moving to London until December soon.  She knows about the baby plans and is super super excited and has promised to help me and make the time she stays just like boot camp.  It's just what I need!  We are going to join some sports teams, go swimming and do early morning walks.

No more coke either.  It's been 6 days.

Tomorrow I will do a weigh-in and get shit down on paper so to speak.  I am sure I will have put on weight since the last time I blogged. Urgh.  But.....

I'm back baby!

The biggest loser and other bits

I've been thinking a lot about weight and my PCOS lately.

I've had my eyes closed about my PCOS pretty much since I got diagnosed.  I've not taken it seriously, and it is serious.  Very serious.

Although I'm very involved in raising awareness about PCOS and being an advocate for other women like me, I think I've used that as a scapegoat. I've taken PCOS seriously, but not so far as it comes to my own health and well being.  I had a bit of a lightbulb moment the other day, listening to one of the world's top 25 experts in PCOS in the world.

These are some of the long term health risks: type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease and endometrial cancer.  PCOS is also linked to sleep apnea and breast cancer.  The breast cancer link scared me and was something I was totally unaware of (unlike the other risks which I've known about).  Breast cancer itself is not a long term risk of PCOS like type 2 diabetes is, but breast cancer is linked to infertility.  PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility.  It's scary.

Fertility has also been something thats increasingly on my mind.  I know that your fertility takes a steep dive at 35, and at 29 I can hear the tick, but I thought I still had time on my side (despite not being married or even engaged yet).  The speaker I mentioned above mentioned the big 3-0.  At age 30 your fertility takes its first nose dive.

In 2010, I just have to do it.  I HAVE, HAVE, HAVE to get my BMI under 30 this year.  I turn 30 in 11 months.  I really want to have had my operation by my next birthday so I can seriously start trying to conceive.

I've been going to the gym a lot recently.  Last week I went three times; I did two cardio sessions and a big swim session.  I'm really chuffed to bits with myself, and am remembering how much I do enjoy exercise.  Especially swimming, I love being in the water.  I'm set to go and do some cardio again in the morning, and although I'm dreading getting up that bit earlier I know how good I'll feel when I walk out with my sweaty brow and red face.  I need to keep that up.  I've made myself promise that I'll go three times a week at least.

I'm not there yet mentally.  I am still bingeing, although this is getting less which I am pleased with.  But overall, I'm making better choices and I'm moving a LOT more than I have in a very long time.  I can really feel myself getting there though.  I've got a long way to go to get my head in the right space; the space where I'm making the right choices 98% of the time and seeing the kgs drop on the scales.

I'm going to get there though, I'm on the right road now. It's started. My head is out of the sand.  At last.

Anyway, I'm watching the latest season of Biggest Loser Australia online, and there's a woman on there with PCOS which I was really excited to see, she's gone on the show to lose weight so she can conceive.   I'm a bit worried though, as would love to follow along with her journey, but she's in the bottom two.  So I will have to watch episode two now to make sure she doesn't get booted out!


The Biggest Loser Aus 5 - Episode # 1 / Part 1
Uploaded by TBLAus5. - Check out other Film & TV videos.