Well, so long 1.5kgs

As I blogged about on Thursday, I had put on 1.5kgs during the last week.  I had been naughty, sure... but I was still confused as to how I could have put on SO much weight in just seven days when the majority of the things I put into my mouth were good.

Puzzled.  Anyway, I had abstained from any kind of chocolate and sugar (aside from the sugar in my tea) since Tuesday and this arvo, I just decided what the heck.  I am going to jump back on those scales and have an impromptu weigh-in.

I don't ever do in-between-weigh-ins, but I was still puzzled and curious if my increase in water intake (I've been drinking 2 litres a day for the last three days), lentil curry and pea soup had had any impact.

And it had!

I was down 1.5kgs back to 120kgs.  So, the weight I had put on in seven days has disappeared in just two days.

I wouldn't say I'm any less puzzled... but I'm certainly less depressed!

Now, I'm hoping to do another 1.5kgs by Thursday.  I know that's probably unrealistic and I should only be striving to lose between 0.5 and 1kgs per week... but I feel like I have time to make up for!

From my graph below, you can see with Thursday's weigh in I am already behind schedule!  I don't want that pink line creeping above the yellow line too often.  I must keep on track.

(the graph doesn't show today's loss of 1.5kg which I'll add in to this coming Thursday's weigh in)

Graph showing weight loss progress in the last eight weeks

The graph goes from 125kgs to 105kgs as that represents the HALF WAY point! Holy fucking god, there's still another 20kgs from that point to get to 85kgs.  That would still mean I was overweight with a BMI of 28.7... but I don't care about being overweight.  I care about getting my operation once my BMI is under 30.

Psyching myself up to jump on the scales

So, today was weigh day and I jumped onto the Wii Fit... preparing for a bad result.

I've not been good 100% of the time, and probably not even 80%.  I've had bread, pasta, cheese and far too much chocolate.  But most of the time I have been sticking to avoiding the foods I know I should avoid.  I have managed to stay clear of Coke (a major addiction for many years), and when I did indulge in a can a few weeks ago I was really gutted surprised to find that I didn't actually enjoy it.  I've not been drinking juice either.

Although, having said that I know I've not been drinking enough water and for some reason just the thought of drinking a plain glass of water was turning me off ??  So, I did get some Ribena syrup and have been making myself drink more water by adding some sugar flavour to it.

I was thinking... maybe it was a way of self-sabotage?  Because I had put on 2lbs the week before last, I kind of just lost the will to keep going, which made me so nervous to jump on the scales last week that I just avoided it altogether.  In between times, I ate even whole blocks of chocolate to myself, bowls of pasta and toasted cheese sandwiches.  Not all the time, mind you. But far too often that I should have.

I had a bit of a talk to myself one night, and just reminded myself why I am putting myself through this.  To have a baby.  But it's also become more than that too... my back is getting bad, and my knee joints are hurting.  I'm not even 30 yet.

So, I made better decisions more and more often and went for a few walks.

And although I knew I must have limited my 'damage' by this weigh in, I wasn't expecting such a good result.  Yay!

Anyway, here's day two of my snack breakfast.  Exchanged a banana for a kiwi fruit this morning.  I loveeeeeee banana, it's my favourite fruit by far.  But I'm a really fussy banana eater.  I can't stand it if they are over ripe, or even just ripe.  I prefer them slightly green... mmmmm.  Anything else, even just the smell of someone eating a ripe banana can make me flee a room.

Snack breakfast

I also added some freshly cut up coconut today, which was really nice.

It's weigh day - No.6

Was 122.0 kgs and am now 120.4 kgs so have lost 1.6kgs

(that said, I didn't weigh in week 5, so that's 1.6kgs since week 4)

I'm also thinking of giving up weighing on the Wii Fit cause I find it incredibly frustrating to not get such accurate results.  I like to measure in kgs, that's how I have always done it.  The Wii gives you results on the first page with your BMI, then in kgs, and then tells you how much you lost in lbs, and then if you view your chart it shows you your losses in stones. 

And, I find they never quite equal up.

As an example, last time I weighed the kg amount shown on the Wii was 122kgs.  This time it was 120.4 kgs which means I lost 1.6kgs, but the Wii says I lost 4lbs since last time, which is actually 1.8kgs.  I know we are talking about a difference of just 200grams, but when you are desperate for every single loss, that 200g is a lot.

The weigh ins

So, I decided to start a new post for this as the last one was becoming a bit of a ramble.

I started my new diet lifestyle on January 13th.  Here are my weekly weigh-ins since then:

13 Jan 2011:  124.8 kgs
20 Jan 2011:  123.0 kgs
27 Jan 2011:  122.1 kgs
04 Feb 2011:  121.1 kgs
10 Feb 2011:  122.0 kgs
17 Feb 2011:  was too chicken to weigh in

And there we have it.  I lovedddd seeing the weight go down those first three weigh ins and so bummed at myself on the fourth week.  This week, I was too scared at seeing the number go up again I didn't weigh in.  I won't make that mistake again.  In fact, I might weigh in the morning when I get up, and change my weigh in days from Thursday to Monday.  Maybe.

So although I am slightly heavier now than when I started this blog a whole freakin year ago, I am going to take the positives as they come and not dwell on the past.  A month ago I was about 3kgs heavier than I am not, and that's good in anyone's book - but especially for a woman with PCOS. 

It's not as easy for us to lose weight as it is for other women... not that losing weight is easy for anyone, but its particularly difficult if you have PCOS - lucky us!  Especially as its so much easier for us to put on weight too.

Such a joyful condition to live with.

So, my next goal is to lose get my weight under 120kgs for the first time in absolutely AGES which I aim to do in the next two weigh ins!!!  And then my next goal is to lose 1 stone, which I am aiming to do on the next one after that.

How am I here again... or shall I say, still here?

After quite a rough few months in and out of hospital, I find myself trying to get back on the bloody weight loss train again.

My weight had gone up to 126.5kgs and after a few weeks of really trying hard I am down to 121.9 - so a loss of 4.6kgs in three weeks which I was really chuffed about.  That was, until I decided to look back at my blog and see that when I first started writing this I was 121.3kgs.  So, I'm back to where I started.  Or, rather after almost a year (!!!), I am still here.  Still fat, still needing to lose about 35kgs to get my operation so I can start having a family... and approaching 30 at a rapid speed.

Fuck. Shit. Bollocks.

Need to pull my head out of my arse.

OK, so my first mini-goal is to get my weight to under (!) 120kgs... so 119.5kgs here I come. I hope to be able to achieve that in the next two weeks.  I really must get better at updating this blog too, because it truly does help to be putting thoughts down.

Anyhoo... time for lunch.  Chicken stir-fry here I come!

The biggest loser and other bits

I've been thinking a lot about weight and my PCOS lately.

I've had my eyes closed about my PCOS pretty much since I got diagnosed.  I've not taken it seriously, and it is serious.  Very serious.

Although I'm very involved in raising awareness about PCOS and being an advocate for other women like me, I think I've used that as a scapegoat. I've taken PCOS seriously, but not so far as it comes to my own health and well being.  I had a bit of a lightbulb moment the other day, listening to one of the world's top 25 experts in PCOS in the world.

These are some of the long term health risks: type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease and endometrial cancer.  PCOS is also linked to sleep apnea and breast cancer.  The breast cancer link scared me and was something I was totally unaware of (unlike the other risks which I've known about).  Breast cancer itself is not a long term risk of PCOS like type 2 diabetes is, but breast cancer is linked to infertility.  PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility.  It's scary.

Fertility has also been something thats increasingly on my mind.  I know that your fertility takes a steep dive at 35, and at 29 I can hear the tick, but I thought I still had time on my side (despite not being married or even engaged yet).  The speaker I mentioned above mentioned the big 3-0.  At age 30 your fertility takes its first nose dive.

In 2010, I just have to do it.  I HAVE, HAVE, HAVE to get my BMI under 30 this year.  I turn 30 in 11 months.  I really want to have had my operation by my next birthday so I can seriously start trying to conceive.

I've been going to the gym a lot recently.  Last week I went three times; I did two cardio sessions and a big swim session.  I'm really chuffed to bits with myself, and am remembering how much I do enjoy exercise.  Especially swimming, I love being in the water.  I'm set to go and do some cardio again in the morning, and although I'm dreading getting up that bit earlier I know how good I'll feel when I walk out with my sweaty brow and red face.  I need to keep that up.  I've made myself promise that I'll go three times a week at least.

I'm not there yet mentally.  I am still bingeing, although this is getting less which I am pleased with.  But overall, I'm making better choices and I'm moving a LOT more than I have in a very long time.  I can really feel myself getting there though.  I've got a long way to go to get my head in the right space; the space where I'm making the right choices 98% of the time and seeing the kgs drop on the scales.

I'm going to get there though, I'm on the right road now. It's started. My head is out of the sand.  At last.

Anyway, I'm watching the latest season of Biggest Loser Australia online, and there's a woman on there with PCOS which I was really excited to see, she's gone on the show to lose weight so she can conceive.   I'm a bit worried though, as would love to follow along with her journey, but she's in the bottom two.  So I will have to watch episode two now to make sure she doesn't get booted out!


The Biggest Loser Aus 5 - Episode # 1 / Part 1
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Sabotaging myself?

I'm not quite sure how to formulate this blog post, as it's only just become a realisation that I do this in the last 30 minutes.  I am a secret eater.  I didn't really realise it before now... but how could I not?  Denial maybe?  I don't know...

My boyfriend would sometimes come across chocolate wrappers in compartments in my handbag and make a comment about hiding eating rubbish food - and I would laugh, and brush it off.  Denied it, even to myself I realise now.

It suddenly dawned on me tonight, I think because over the last four weeks it progressed to the point where it was someway on my radar what I was doing.  I'd buy a chocolate or three, and then really curse myself out for doing it.  Debate in my head whether I should in fact eat them now that I had bought them, and reasoned that it would be a waste of money if I didn't eat them... but this would be the last time.  No more.  Only to be repeated the next day.

I read an article on the Daily Mail the other day about Leona Lewis losing a few dresses sizes in a month or something, by eating only vegetables and drinking water all month - not as a weight loss tool, but as a bit of a detox.  A detox I thought.  I can do that.

So I resolved for March I would only eat vegetables and drink water all month.  As March approached, I figured it would be too hard to cut things like rice, meat and such out of my diet as well as anything liquid other than H2O ... so I would instead I would cut out all refined sugars and white flour foods for March and keep with the only drinking water.  That I could do.  I would allow myself a few days off during the month for certain occasions, but no more than five.  I did EXTREMELY well for the first four days of the month, I even went to the gym and did a HUGE workout.  I was feeling really pleased with myself.  Really, really chuffed.  I'm finally battling demons.

Then I found myself this weekend binge eating like a freak. Consumed chocolate en masse and Coke like I'm dying of dehydration. I don't know why I allow myself to do it? It's like I go outside of myself when making these bad decisions, like I am not consciously a part of the decision making process until it's too late.

Not that I've ever really lost enough weight for it to be an issue for me personally, but I've read a lot of people close to someone who is losing weight unconsciously trying to sabotage them for one reason or another.  But what do you do if you sabotage yourself? How can I stop this destructive behaviour?

I wonder if I shouldn't see a counsellor or a hypnotherapist or something.  I do wonder if I do this because I am too scared of losing weight and still not being able to have a baby.  At the moment, I can blame not having a baby on my weight.  But what if i get my BMI to under 30 and still can't have my own baby?  I think that that scenario will almost be too unbearable for my heart to take. I think I would wish myself dead.

But if I don't lose the weight, then I can't have a baby anyway and that is equally as tragic but somehow in my head I've reasoned that to be a better loss than actually going through the heartache of actively TTC each month and still not getting a positive result.  Right now, I go month by month knowing there's no point trying because it won't happen for me.

I want more than anything in the world to be a mother.  It's all I have ever dreamt of and wanted my whole life.  I remember being three years old and mothering my cabbage patch dolls, just dreaming about when I would be a real mum.  So, given that it's something I want so desperately, why can't I get out of my own way to give myself the best chance?

Advice please!!!

Gone fishin' ... back now

Countless weeks down the line, and I'm angry with myself sorry to say that I'm no further ahead than I was last time I blogged.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I'm down 2 kgs... yippee!!  I am also now the proud owner of a Wii Fit Plus that has been turned on six times this year (cough cough).

Oh, I did also start going along to the gym.  I've probably been about as many times as the Wii Fit has been used... but on the flipside I've been moving a lot more than I was before too.  I've gone from working at home to working on the third floor of a building that doesn't have an elevator.  So, getting in some good stair work-outs every day.

Although I've only lost about 2 kg's, I've gone from a size 24 to a tighttttt size 22.  But even those jeans are definitely doing up easier in the first-wear-after-a-wash test.

I am totally going to try and blog more regularly.  I really do need to keep myself accountable, otherwise I tend to let life get in the way and find the excuses falling too easily at my fat feet.  I need to keep in focus why I'm doing this................

having a family.

Back story anyone?

I'm 28, fat and I have PCOS and a septate uterus.  I hate that word, 'septate'. Everytime I hear it or think it, 'septic' flashes into my brain... I have a septic uterus. Urgh.

I'm not ready to have children yet.... well, actually that's not true. I've been ready since I was 16. So, let me rephrase. My relationship and my financial situation is not quite ready. But it's wayyyyyyyyyy up there on my agenda. It's something I want to seriously start thinking about, like, yesterday.

Sat here approaching my 29th birthday in a few months, weighing 121kgs (the same weight I've been for the last 8 years or so give or take a few kilos), I just wish I hadn't burried my head in the sand for as long as I have. 

I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) in late 2005.  In early 2006 I was having an internal ultrasound to determine if I had any cysts on my ovaries as part of my diagnosis. A minute or so in, with my legs spread wide and feeling rather vulnerable, the sonographer - a insensitive bitch nice woman in her early 30s - starts uttering just the thing you want to hear when you have a skinny police batton like contraption shoved up your nether regions by a stranger...

Sonographer: "Oh, hmm... ok, that's weird.  I've not seen that before."
Me: (veryyyyy concerned) "what? what haven't you seen before, what's weird? Is everything ok?"
Sonographer: "Just give me a minute, I need to try and understand what I'm looking at here."
Me: "oh... god... errrr, ok"

I mean, what choice did I have?  The balance of power clearly lay in her gloved hands.

What seems like hours passed...

Sonographer: "I'll be a back in a minute, I just need to go and get a colleague to take a look at this with me.  Don't move please."

Fuck.

She comes back with her colleague.  They take a look together and then reach for the shelves and pull of a binder. They start flipping through the pages, pointing at pictures and pointing at the ultrasound screen.  They were trying to match up my uterus! Oh crap!

Finally, the colleague leaves. I ask the sonographer to please explain what's going on. I can't handle much more of the suspense.

Sonographer: "Do you have two periods a month?"
Me: (what the hell??) "Umm, no. Why?"
Sonographer: "Are you periods extremely heavy and painful?"
Me: "No, when I get a period (about 4 times a year) its quite light and pain free.  Please, tell me what is going on."
Sonographer: "Well, it appears like you have two uteruses."
Me: "Excuse me? Two what? Is that even possible?!?!"

Turns out, it not only is possible to have two uteruses, but also two vaginas and two cervixes as well.  Who knew??  I certainly didn't. She booked me an appointment to see the consultant again. I went through a few more ultrasounds, 3D and 4D, and was diagnosed with a septate uterus. Not two uteruses at all, but rather one uterus that has a dividing wall of sorts splitting it into two cavities.  I can have a very simple operation to remove this, a hysteroscopy, but was told to go away and lose weight before it could be done.

If I don't have this operation, my chances of having a miscarriage are approximately 50% and if I did manage to carry a pregnancy my risk of pre-term labour are off the chart.  So, I need to have this operation if I ever want to have a baby of my own.

Life got in the way and here I am about three years later still needing to lose weight to have the operation.  Losing weight would also helped with the bad back I have as a result of a slipped disc caused by an assault two years ago and also with my symptoms of PCOS.  So why haven't I taken the bull by the horns years ago? I dunno.  Life, laziness and fear I guess. Fear that even if I lose weight I still won't be able to have my own family.

Enough of the psycho-analysis.

I'm angry!  Through my work, I was speaking with a top fertility specialist in the UK and he recommended me to a particular fertility surgeon in London to do the surgery. He said that because its a relative simple procedure, that the consultant telling me to lose weight first was bollocks. A brush off.  Fat people get brushed off by doctors all the freakin' time; doctors who rely on a bullshit BMI system to calculate someones health.  It's bollocks.

So, with renewed hope I went along to my GP and got a referral for said specialist.  I waited for my appointment which came through after six weeks.  I went along only to see somebody in the wrong department because my GP had got the referral wrong.  The registrar I saw made me another appointment for a months time to see the consultant I should have seen in the first place. 

I went to that appointment on the 11th of December and the consultant wasn't there, I saw one of his colleagues instead. After asking me whether I smoke (no), drink (no), have any heart problems (no) he said, incredibly awkwardly, that I would need to get my BMI down to under 30 before I will be considered for the elective procedure.

I didn't elect to have a uterus abnormality that requires me to have surgery before I can have a baby.  That was not something I chose! I've done my research. As far as procedure's go, it's a fairly simple one that would be over in less than 20 minutes.

I was dismissed from the clinic and driven into the depths of despair for the next week. 

So, now here I am.  28.7 years old.  I need to lose approx. 30kgs ASAP so I can have the hysterscopy and start thinking about having a family.  As it is, having PCOS is going to make it incredibly hard for me to lose weight.  If it takes me a year to lose the weight, that makes me almost 30. It can literally take years for someone with PCOS to conceive, even with fertility treatment. 

Tick, tick, tick tick

I need to get started!