Another hiatus. Which means more months down the drain where I haven't actually done anything super pro-active about getting my weight down.
But, I am much more motivated than ever now because the BF and I had the discussion about our future etc and have decided that we will start to seriously try for a baby next year. He said was ready right now, but we both know... well, I know... that there is no point actively trying now before I have my operation.
That said, we are not using any birth control now and I feel like we're moving in the right direction.
I turn 30 in the first part of next year, and I seriously don't want to be still having this same discussion with myself then ("Come on, you have to get serious. You can do this. Let's start for real tomorrow"). So, I've set myself some absolute deadlines.
By the 1st of December, I want to have lost at least 18kgs and then I can ring up my GP and get him to schedule the specialist appointment for me again. I can then tell the specialist that I have lost half of what I need to lose, and can we schedule the operation.
Given that we are working with the NHS, I figured by the time that I get to have this appointment with the specialist and by the time he schedules the operation, it will be around March next year and by then (1st of April) I will have lost the remaining 18kgs.
So, I need to lose the first 18kgs in 5 months and the second 18kgs in 4 months.
Perhaps the first 18kgs will come off much quicker than the second lot, in which case I will just move the schedule around. OMG imagine if I could do it even quicker than that!! There's 24 weeks left til the start of December, so losing 18kgs seems entirely possible, right?? That's less than 1kg per week. I can do that.
Basically, as soon as I get the first 18kgs off I am making that call.
Also, my sister is moving to London until December soon. She knows about the baby plans and is super super excited and has promised to help me and make the time she stays just like boot camp. It's just what I need! We are going to join some sports teams, go swimming and do early morning walks.
No more coke either. It's been 6 days.
Tomorrow I will do a weigh-in and get shit down on paper so to speak. I am sure I will have put on weight since the last time I blogged. Urgh. But.....
I'm back baby!
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
The biggest loser and other bits
I've been thinking a lot about weight and my PCOS lately.
I've had my eyes closed about my PCOS pretty much since I got diagnosed. I've not taken it seriously, and it is serious. Very serious.
Although I'm very involved in raising awareness about PCOS and being an advocate for other women like me, I think I've used that as a scapegoat. I've taken PCOS seriously, but not so far as it comes to my own health and well being. I had a bit of a lightbulb moment the other day, listening to one of the world's top 25 experts in PCOS in the world.
These are some of the long term health risks: type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease and endometrial cancer. PCOS is also linked to sleep apnea and breast cancer. The breast cancer link scared me and was something I was totally unaware of (unlike the other risks which I've known about). Breast cancer itself is not a long term risk of PCOS like type 2 diabetes is, but breast cancer is linked to infertility. PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility. It's scary.
Fertility has also been something thats increasingly on my mind. I know that your fertility takes a steep dive at 35, and at 29 I can hear the tick, but I thought I still had time on my side (despite not being married or even engaged yet). The speaker I mentioned above mentioned the big 3-0. At age 30 your fertility takes its first nose dive.
In 2010, I just have to do it. I HAVE, HAVE, HAVE to get my BMI under 30 this year. I turn 30 in 11 months. I really want to have had my operation by my next birthday so I can seriously start trying to conceive.
I've been going to the gym a lot recently. Last week I went three times; I did two cardio sessions and a big swim session. I'm really chuffed to bits with myself, and am remembering how much I do enjoy exercise. Especially swimming, I love being in the water. I'm set to go and do some cardio again in the morning, and although I'm dreading getting up that bit earlier I know how good I'll feel when I walk out with my sweaty brow and red face. I need to keep that up. I've made myself promise that I'll go three times a week at least.
I'm not there yet mentally. I am still bingeing, although this is getting less which I am pleased with. But overall, I'm making better choices and I'm moving a LOT more than I have in a very long time. I can really feel myself getting there though. I've got a long way to go to get my head in the right space; the space where I'm making the right choices 98% of the time and seeing the kgs drop on the scales.
I'm going to get there though, I'm on the right road now. It's started. My head is out of the sand. At last.
Anyway, I'm watching the latest season of Biggest Loser Australia online, and there's a woman on there with PCOS which I was really excited to see, she's gone on the show to lose weight so she can conceive. I'm a bit worried though, as would love to follow along with her journey, but she's in the bottom two. So I will have to watch episode two now to make sure she doesn't get booted out!
The Biggest Loser Aus 5 - Episode # 1 / Part 1
Uploaded by TBLAus5. - Check out other Film & TV videos.
I've had my eyes closed about my PCOS pretty much since I got diagnosed. I've not taken it seriously, and it is serious. Very serious.
Although I'm very involved in raising awareness about PCOS and being an advocate for other women like me, I think I've used that as a scapegoat. I've taken PCOS seriously, but not so far as it comes to my own health and well being. I had a bit of a lightbulb moment the other day, listening to one of the world's top 25 experts in PCOS in the world.
These are some of the long term health risks: type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease and endometrial cancer. PCOS is also linked to sleep apnea and breast cancer. The breast cancer link scared me and was something I was totally unaware of (unlike the other risks which I've known about). Breast cancer itself is not a long term risk of PCOS like type 2 diabetes is, but breast cancer is linked to infertility. PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility. It's scary.
Fertility has also been something thats increasingly on my mind. I know that your fertility takes a steep dive at 35, and at 29 I can hear the tick, but I thought I still had time on my side (despite not being married or even engaged yet). The speaker I mentioned above mentioned the big 3-0. At age 30 your fertility takes its first nose dive.
In 2010, I just have to do it. I HAVE, HAVE, HAVE to get my BMI under 30 this year. I turn 30 in 11 months. I really want to have had my operation by my next birthday so I can seriously start trying to conceive.
I've been going to the gym a lot recently. Last week I went three times; I did two cardio sessions and a big swim session. I'm really chuffed to bits with myself, and am remembering how much I do enjoy exercise. Especially swimming, I love being in the water. I'm set to go and do some cardio again in the morning, and although I'm dreading getting up that bit earlier I know how good I'll feel when I walk out with my sweaty brow and red face. I need to keep that up. I've made myself promise that I'll go three times a week at least.
I'm not there yet mentally. I am still bingeing, although this is getting less which I am pleased with. But overall, I'm making better choices and I'm moving a LOT more than I have in a very long time. I can really feel myself getting there though. I've got a long way to go to get my head in the right space; the space where I'm making the right choices 98% of the time and seeing the kgs drop on the scales.
I'm going to get there though, I'm on the right road now. It's started. My head is out of the sand. At last.
Anyway, I'm watching the latest season of Biggest Loser Australia online, and there's a woman on there with PCOS which I was really excited to see, she's gone on the show to lose weight so she can conceive. I'm a bit worried though, as would love to follow along with her journey, but she's in the bottom two. So I will have to watch episode two now to make sure she doesn't get booted out!
The Biggest Loser Aus 5 - Episode # 1 / Part 1
Uploaded by TBLAus5. - Check out other Film & TV videos.
Monday, 8 March 2010
Sabotaging myself?
I'm not quite sure how to formulate this blog post, as it's only just become a realisation that I do this in the last 30 minutes. I am a secret eater. I didn't really realise it before now... but how could I not? Denial maybe? I don't know...
My boyfriend would sometimes come across chocolate wrappers in compartments in my handbag and make a comment about hiding eating rubbish food - and I would laugh, and brush it off. Denied it, even to myself I realise now.
It suddenly dawned on me tonight, I think because over the last four weeks it progressed to the point where it was someway on my radar what I was doing. I'd buy a chocolate or three, and then really curse myself out for doing it. Debate in my head whether I should in fact eat them now that I had bought them, and reasoned that it would be a waste of money if I didn't eat them... but this would be the last time. No more. Only to be repeated the next day.
I read an article on the Daily Mail the other day about Leona Lewis losing a few dresses sizes in a month or something, by eating only vegetables and drinking water all month - not as a weight loss tool, but as a bit of a detox. A detox I thought. I can do that.
So I resolved for March I would only eat vegetables and drink water all month. As March approached, I figured it would be too hard to cut things like rice, meat and such out of my diet as well as anything liquid other than H2O ... so I would instead I would cut out all refined sugars and white flour foods for March and keep with the only drinking water. That I could do. I would allow myself a few days off during the month for certain occasions, but no more than five. I did EXTREMELY well for the first four days of the month, I even went to the gym and did a HUGE workout. I was feeling really pleased with myself. Really, really chuffed. I'm finally battling demons.
Then I found myself this weekend binge eating like a freak. Consumed chocolate en masse and Coke like I'm dying of dehydration. I don't know why I allow myself to do it? It's like I go outside of myself when making these bad decisions, like I am not consciously a part of the decision making process until it's too late.
Not that I've ever really lost enough weight for it to be an issue for me personally, but I've read a lot of people close to someone who is losing weight unconsciously trying to sabotage them for one reason or another. But what do you do if you sabotage yourself? How can I stop this destructive behaviour?
I wonder if I shouldn't see a counsellor or a hypnotherapist or something. I do wonder if I do this because I am too scared of losing weight and still not being able to have a baby. At the moment, I can blame not having a baby on my weight. But what if i get my BMI to under 30 and still can't have my own baby? I think that that scenario will almost be too unbearable for my heart to take. I think I would wish myself dead.
But if I don't lose the weight, then I can't have a baby anyway and that is equally as tragic but somehow in my head I've reasoned that to be a better loss than actually going through the heartache of actively TTC each month and still not getting a positive result. Right now, I go month by month knowing there's no point trying because it won't happen for me.
I want more than anything in the world to be a mother. It's all I have ever dreamt of and wanted my whole life. I remember being three years old and mothering my cabbage patch dolls, just dreaming about when I would be a real mum. So, given that it's something I want so desperately, why can't I get out of my own way to give myself the best chance?
Advice please!!!
My boyfriend would sometimes come across chocolate wrappers in compartments in my handbag and make a comment about hiding eating rubbish food - and I would laugh, and brush it off. Denied it, even to myself I realise now.
It suddenly dawned on me tonight, I think because over the last four weeks it progressed to the point where it was someway on my radar what I was doing. I'd buy a chocolate or three, and then really curse myself out for doing it. Debate in my head whether I should in fact eat them now that I had bought them, and reasoned that it would be a waste of money if I didn't eat them... but this would be the last time. No more. Only to be repeated the next day.
I read an article on the Daily Mail the other day about Leona Lewis losing a few dresses sizes in a month or something, by eating only vegetables and drinking water all month - not as a weight loss tool, but as a bit of a detox. A detox I thought. I can do that.
So I resolved for March I would only eat vegetables and drink water all month. As March approached, I figured it would be too hard to cut things like rice, meat and such out of my diet as well as anything liquid other than H2O ... so I would instead I would cut out all refined sugars and white flour foods for March and keep with the only drinking water. That I could do. I would allow myself a few days off during the month for certain occasions, but no more than five. I did EXTREMELY well for the first four days of the month, I even went to the gym and did a HUGE workout. I was feeling really pleased with myself. Really, really chuffed. I'm finally battling demons.
Then I found myself this weekend binge eating like a freak. Consumed chocolate en masse and Coke like I'm dying of dehydration. I don't know why I allow myself to do it? It's like I go outside of myself when making these bad decisions, like I am not consciously a part of the decision making process until it's too late.
Not that I've ever really lost enough weight for it to be an issue for me personally, but I've read a lot of people close to someone who is losing weight unconsciously trying to sabotage them for one reason or another. But what do you do if you sabotage yourself? How can I stop this destructive behaviour?
I wonder if I shouldn't see a counsellor or a hypnotherapist or something. I do wonder if I do this because I am too scared of losing weight and still not being able to have a baby. At the moment, I can blame not having a baby on my weight. But what if i get my BMI to under 30 and still can't have my own baby? I think that that scenario will almost be too unbearable for my heart to take. I think I would wish myself dead.
But if I don't lose the weight, then I can't have a baby anyway and that is equally as tragic but somehow in my head I've reasoned that to be a better loss than actually going through the heartache of actively TTC each month and still not getting a positive result. Right now, I go month by month knowing there's no point trying because it won't happen for me.
I want more than anything in the world to be a mother. It's all I have ever dreamt of and wanted my whole life. I remember being three years old and mothering my cabbage patch dolls, just dreaming about when I would be a real mum. So, given that it's something I want so desperately, why can't I get out of my own way to give myself the best chance?
Advice please!!!
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Gone fishin' ... back now
Countless weeks down the line, and I'm angry with myself sorry to say that I'm no further ahead than I was last time I blogged. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm down 2 kgs... yippee!! I am also now the proud owner of a Wii Fit Plus that has been turned on six times this year (cough cough).
Oh, I did also start going along to the gym. I've probably been about as many times as the Wii Fit has been used... but on the flipside I've been moving a lot more than I was before too. I've gone from working at home to working on the third floor of a building that doesn't have an elevator. So, getting in some good stair work-outs every day.
Although I've only lost about 2 kg's, I've gone from a size 24 to a tighttttt size 22. But even those jeans are definitely doing up easier in the first-wear-after-a-wash test.
I am totally going to try and blog more regularly. I really do need to keep myself accountable, otherwise I tend to let life get in the way and find the excuses falling too easily at my fat feet. I need to keep in focus why I'm doing this................
having a family.
Oh, I did also start going along to the gym. I've probably been about as many times as the Wii Fit has been used... but on the flipside I've been moving a lot more than I was before too. I've gone from working at home to working on the third floor of a building that doesn't have an elevator. So, getting in some good stair work-outs every day.
Although I've only lost about 2 kg's, I've gone from a size 24 to a tighttttt size 22. But even those jeans are definitely doing up easier in the first-wear-after-a-wash test.
I am totally going to try and blog more regularly. I really do need to keep myself accountable, otherwise I tend to let life get in the way and find the excuses falling too easily at my fat feet. I need to keep in focus why I'm doing this................
having a family.
Monday, 23 November 2009
Setting achievable targets
I've made Monday's 'weigh in' day.
Current
Weight: 121.3 kgs | BMI: 41
Target
Weight: 87 kgs | BMI: 29.4
That means I have 34.3 kgs to lose. God help me. I was sitting here thinking, "Ok, so how much is an achievable amount to lose per week?" I want to set my self obtainable goals, so I feel like I am getting somewhere. Is half a kilo a week to low? Should I try and aim to lose 1kg per week?
So, for now.. I've decided that I'll stick to 0.5 kg per week, that seems pretty achievable with just small lifestyle and diet change. Ideally, I will kick my targets fair up the arse and be way ahead of myself. Awesome. But if I am only just meeting those targets, then atleast I can see that I'm 'on track' and getting somewhere. Not beating myself up for not reaching goals.
At half a kilo per week with 34.3 kgs to lose, that will take meforever 68 weeks. The unwritten goal within that, is I want to achieve that goal before Christmas 2010... so, one year away.
Does one set mini goals? And congratulate ones self for achieving said mini goals? I've never really taken this whole weight loss thing seriously. I've always been fairly happy with my size. Well, if not fairly happy then I've not been unhappy enough to do anything about it.
I guess I've been a fortunate fatty. I didn't grow up with my parents or siblings or other kids at school criticising my weight. Well, actually looking back I always felt and thought I was fat but I really wasn't. I just developed earlier and was much taller than other girls in my year (and the boys too for that matter!), so I always felt larger than I was. I've always had friends that accepted me for who I am, never found it too difficult to get nice clothes, carry my weight rather well and had loads of male attention. So, my weight never seemed to be that much of an issue.
Until now.
So, that said. I am going to celebrate the mini victories where I can. My first 'mini target' will be reaching 115kgs, and that will take my BMI under the 40 mark. How shall I reward myself?
Current
Weight: 121.3 kgs | BMI: 41
Target
Weight: 87 kgs | BMI: 29.4
That means I have 34.3 kgs to lose. God help me. I was sitting here thinking, "Ok, so how much is an achievable amount to lose per week?" I want to set my self obtainable goals, so I feel like I am getting somewhere. Is half a kilo a week to low? Should I try and aim to lose 1kg per week?
So, for now.. I've decided that I'll stick to 0.5 kg per week, that seems pretty achievable with just small lifestyle and diet change. Ideally, I will kick my targets fair up the arse and be way ahead of myself. Awesome. But if I am only just meeting those targets, then atleast I can see that I'm 'on track' and getting somewhere. Not beating myself up for not reaching goals.
At half a kilo per week with 34.3 kgs to lose, that will take me
Does one set mini goals? And congratulate ones self for achieving said mini goals? I've never really taken this whole weight loss thing seriously. I've always been fairly happy with my size. Well, if not fairly happy then I've not been unhappy enough to do anything about it.
I guess I've been a fortunate fatty. I didn't grow up with my parents or siblings or other kids at school criticising my weight. Well, actually looking back I always felt and thought I was fat but I really wasn't. I just developed earlier and was much taller than other girls in my year (and the boys too for that matter!), so I always felt larger than I was. I've always had friends that accepted me for who I am, never found it too difficult to get nice clothes, carry my weight rather well and had loads of male attention. So, my weight never seemed to be that much of an issue.
Until now.
So, that said. I am going to celebrate the mini victories where I can. My first 'mini target' will be reaching 115kgs, and that will take my BMI under the 40 mark. How shall I reward myself?
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